It has nothing to do with the language, the bureaucracy, or the driving. It’s the distance from the people you love.
I’m writing this from the airport. I’m on my way back to the U.S.
Something happened this week that reminded me of the one thing about this life that has no workaround, no silver lining strong enough to fully soften it: being far away from people you love when something unexpected happens. There’s no sugar-coating it. It’s hard to be an ocean away when you wish you were sitting right next to someone.
The conversation every expat needs to have early
Jason and I talked through the “what ifs” before we ever moved. What would we do if something happened to someone close to us? We made a simple rule: if there’s any doubt about whether we should go back, we go. No deliberating, no guilt — we just go.
We also keep an emergency plane ticket fund so that when the moment comes, money is never the thing standing in the way of the decision.
That said, we don’t go back for everything. When a family member we weren’t very close to passed away, part of us felt we should go — but it felt more like obligation than genuine need. So we didn’t. We’ve also missed a wedding, and that felt okay too. We sent a meaningful gift and made plans to celebrate with the couple in person when we next see them.
This week was different. This is someone I’m close to, and even if there isn’t much I can practically do, sometimes just being present with someone you love is the whole point. You know when you need to go. So we reshuffled the week, I booked a flight and a rental car, and I’m on my way while Jason holds down the fort at home.
“There is no way around this and no sugar-coating it. Being far away when you wish you were sitting next to someone — that’s the real hardest part.”
Have a plan before you need one
I’m sharing this not to discourage anyone from making this move — please don’t read it that way. I’m sharing it because it’s one of the most important things to think through before you go, while you still have the mental space to do it calmly.
These moments will come. They come for everyone, everywhere — but when you’re living across an ocean, the logistics add a layer of stress that makes an already difficult situation harder. Having a plan in place, even a rough one, means one less thing to figure out in the moment when you can least afford to.
Ask yourselves: What’s our threshold for going back? How will we handle the cost? Who decides? Getting those answers sorted in a quiet moment is one of the most practical things you can do before you move.
The unexpected upside
Here’s the thing nobody tells you, and I wouldn’t have believed it before we lived it: the distance can actually deepen some relationships. My mother-in-law told us she feels she gets more quality time with us now than she did when we lived closer. Instead of quick drop-ins and half-distracted visits, we now spend longer stretches of time together. We’ve met for holidays in places none of us would have thought to go otherwise. The visits mean more because they’re intentional.
It’s not the trade-off you’d choose. But it’s a real one — and worth knowing about.
Baguettes and butter 4eva — Raina❤️
