The Judge-y Question Expats Get Asked
There’s a question people can be surprisingly weird about when you’re an expat / immigrant.
Americans — even some who live here — will occasionally adopt a certain tone and ask: “But do you have FRENCH friends?”
The implication is clear: if you move to another country and spend your time with other expats, you’ve failed. You’ll never really learn the language, the thinking goes, and you can’t soak up “real” local culture.
Don’t fall for it. It’s far more nuanced than that. Here’s how we built a balance of both — and why it made all the difference.
Starting From Zero: Why Expat Community Saved Us
When we first landed in France, we didn’t speak a word of French. 😮😬😰
I immediately joined an organization called the Dordogne Ladies Club International — an English-speaking women’s group that welcomes newcomers of all nationalities to the area. Almost every week for that entire first year, I met a small group of members for coffee in Saint-Foy-la-Grande.
I genuinely don’t know what I would have done without that instant community. Finding a local dentist, tracking down the best place to buy a Christmas tree, venting about the labyrinth of French administration — they were there for all of it, with support, recommendations, and hard-won experience.
Expat friends help you settle quickly because they’ve already done what you’re doing. They understand what it means to navigate a whole new world: immigration paperwork, bureaucratic confusion, the disorientation of starting from scratch. My French friends, wonderful as they are, have never had to do any of that. And in our experience, expats tend to be adventurous, open people who are genuinely eager to build new relationships — a huge advantage when you’re starting with zero friends in a new country.
Finding Our French Community — One Slow Sentence at a Time
At the same time, we started building connections with local French people through Juliana’s school. We got lucky early: one of Juliana’s closest friends had a mom who spoke excellent English, Marianne.
Marianne and her whole family generously introduced us to other locals who were willing to put up with our slow, broken French as we worked to improve every week. Through those French friends, we discovered things we never would have found on our own: local wines, the best electrician in the village, secret festivals that don’t make it onto any tourist map.
Our French friends opened a door that our expat network simply couldn’t — local politics, school traditions, the unspoken rhythms of French life. It’s not a replacement for expat community; it’s a completely different thing.
Both Worlds, All the Community
Looking back, having both groups of friends wasn’t just nice — it was remarkable. There’s a real and important role for each kind of community, and I’d encourage you to reach for both as soon as you can after a move.
Here’s how to get started:
- Find a local expat group (or start one). Facebook is a surprisingly great place to find these communities. Google or search on facebook the town or region + “expat” or “English speakers”.
- Introduce yourself to your neighbors. I usually show up with American cookies — it works every time. School pickup, local associations (for fun or to volunteer), and neighborhood events are all good entry points too.
- Start or find a language exchange. You’ll meet local people who want to practice English while you practice French. I found mine at Boukie’s in Périgueux — an incredible little spot owned by a New Yorker named David — just three months after we arrived. What started as a language exchange has grown into a weekly Friday evening international gathering that draws locals who love meeting people from abroad.
It might feel like middle school all over again sometimes to build a new social system. But keep putting yourself out there and hang in there! Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your French life won’t be either, but you’ll get there.
Now we know: it’s about community, in ALL the places. We’re just looking to build a good life with people we can share the ups and downs with. I’ll take this anywhere I can find it, whatever someone’s nationality!
Baguettes and Butter 4-eva ❤️ — Raina, Jason & Juliana
